An Exercise in Futility: The New Balance 990v3. Or the 993. Or the other one.

New Balance's webpage on the 990v3 states: "The men's 990 features a classic design with a universal appeal...Whether you're running five miles a day or rushing from class to class, the seriously comfortable 990 takes you everywhere in timeless casual style."

I'm calling your bullshit, New Balance. Yeah, the 990v3 is comfortable, yes, it is great for running, no, it is not a "classic design with a universal appeal." You have clearly fallen out of touch with the world. The only way you get something this ugly to represent "timeless casual style" is if you pay a celebrity to wear it.

What is with the random mesh patterns everywhere? What the hell is going on in the heel area of the sole? Did a New England raccoon mangle this thing before it came out of the factory?

This is a shoe that is celebrated for it's ugliness. Amongst people who actually care what their shoes look like it is to be avoided like the plague. And is their any greater evidence that New Balance's numbering system has lost all sense of comprehension? That's the 993 directly above, and at the top of the article is the 990v3. In other words, it's the same fucking shoe, with just a stupider name.

It's dorky, fellas. Just because it was one of the original dorky shoes doesn't make it a classic.

Which is odd, because the original 990 is pretty slick. 

None of the extra pieces of fabric flying around, a minimal amount of weirdness in the sole. Retro New Balance has recently rediscovered this shoe, but, as is Retro New Balance's modus operandi, it's only available in D widths.

The 99whatever is your signature fucking shoe, New Balance. Look, I understand that it's not for fashion. You put serious technology in these shoes to make them the best running shoes out there. Excellent work, by the way.

You make a ton of shoes that are all space-agey running shoe whatevers. Those shoes can be ugly and no one will care. This shoe is probably your last real retro running shoe (I'm not counting Retro NB's shoes that have no business actually running anywhere, as detailed in a middle paragraph of this slightly dated but eye-opening piece on outsourcing.). Give it some justice. It doesn't have to be so ugly to be such a great shoe.

And, for god's sake, fix the damn numbering system. I'm drowning in syllables over here.