An Exercise in Futility: The New Balance 990v3. Or the 993. Or the other one.

New Balance's webpage on the 990v3 states: "The men's 990 features a classic design with a universal appeal...Whether you're running five miles a day or rushing from class to class, the seriously comfortable 990 takes you everywhere in timeless casual style."

I'm calling your bullshit, New Balance. Yeah, the 990v3 is comfortable, yes, it is great for running, no, it is not a "classic design with a universal appeal." You have clearly fallen out of touch with the world. The only way you get something this ugly to represent "timeless casual style" is if you pay a celebrity to wear it.

What is with the random mesh patterns everywhere? What the hell is going on in the heel area of the sole? Did a New England raccoon mangle this thing before it came out of the factory?

This is a shoe that is celebrated for it's ugliness. Amongst people who actually care what their shoes look like it is to be avoided like the plague. And is their any greater evidence that New Balance's numbering system has lost all sense of comprehension? That's the 993 directly above, and at the top of the article is the 990v3. In other words, it's the same fucking shoe, with just a stupider name.

It's dorky, fellas. Just because it was one of the original dorky shoes doesn't make it a classic.

Which is odd, because the original 990 is pretty slick. 

None of the extra pieces of fabric flying around, a minimal amount of weirdness in the sole. Retro New Balance has recently rediscovered this shoe, but, as is Retro New Balance's modus operandi, it's only available in D widths.

The 99whatever is your signature fucking shoe, New Balance. Look, I understand that it's not for fashion. You put serious technology in these shoes to make them the best running shoes out there. Excellent work, by the way.

You make a ton of shoes that are all space-agey running shoe whatevers. Those shoes can be ugly and no one will care. This shoe is probably your last real retro running shoe (I'm not counting Retro NB's shoes that have no business actually running anywhere, as detailed in a middle paragraph of this slightly dated but eye-opening piece on outsourcing.). Give it some justice. It doesn't have to be so ugly to be such a great shoe.

And, for god's sake, fix the damn numbering system. I'm drowning in syllables over here.

Get Shoe Jelly: Saucony Jazz Pro Low

A killer retro shoe from a backwoods running company.

They even make something called "Vegan" shoes which are made from plants or something.

The best part? They're fifty bucks a pair. If they came in double wides (or, hell, regular wides) I'd get eight of them.

The Saga of New Balance Basketball

There was this heavenly shoe once, lost to antiquity, that fit me so perfectly that I pranced around the shoe store in utter glee. They did not leave my feet for ten moons, and if I was a wise man they'd still be around somewhere as the centerpiece of a museum to my name.

But I was not wise. I was a fool. There will not be a museum to my name. Thinking that such a wonderful shoe would be manufactured forever, I traveled to the shoe store to find a replacement. "They are gone." I was told. "There is no more."

I was devastated. New Balance had betrayed me, as it has so many others, by canceling a shoe model after my love for it had been established.

As hard as it is to believe, that was a New Balance Basketball shoe that I loved dearly. I can't even find the shoe model online anymore, it could have been the 891 or maybe the 902, but those shoes don't seem to align with the shoe I still have dreams about. (Sidenote: Who else has dreams about shoes? Just me? Okay, moving on.)

The basketball shoe market clearly has some high barriers to entry. Teenagers get $90 million contracts.  The NBA All-Star Game has become a giant design contest amongst the brands. You've got random Chinese companies swooping in to sign stars. All to sell shoes to (mostly) kids who might not play a drop of basketball in the kicks themselves.

In comes little ol' New Balance, with a 'keep em at arms length' approach to athlete endorsement, and it's apparent that getting in this game won't be easy. It doesn't help when your old school models have been featured on lists like this, and the new school models have done things like this. And then Matt Bonner gets booed for wearing New Balance, and the cycle of uncool seems complete.

But New Balance presses onward. They have just released the BB82, their first basketball shoe in 4E widths since the 888 (a short EIF on the 888: Don't buy it. It's big and clunky and heavy. You can't run in it. The lack of movement it allows your ankle is just asking for an ACL tear). The back of the 82 looks decidely unblowupable. There's certainly little effort put into the aesthetics of the shoe, but I don't think people are ever going to wear NB basketball shoes looking for street cred.

Alas, I will not be doing a proper EIF on the 82 at the moment, as I can't just go around buying shoes all the time (blogger salary, fellas). But this bad boy is certainly on the list.

Matt Bonner's Shoeplosion

Matt Bonner is the only NBA player wearing New Balance. He's signed to them now, but back in 2010, he actually bought these shoes that exploded on him, as he didn't have a shoe contract. And that was probably a smart move by NB to sign Bonner, because if he had jumped to Converse, Lord knows he would have had a few more public comments ripping into his old sneakers. More talk tomorrow about New Balance's sordid history trying to make and sell basketball shoes.

(UPDATE: More hilarity, as New Balance no longer sponsors Bonner, but he's still wearing them proudly. Man, oh, man.)

An Exercise in Futility: The Converse One Star

I have a certain group of friends, that are, how do I put this? They're hipsters. They wear cardigans and skinny jeans and talk about obscure bands I've never heard of and I love them dearly and couldn't imagine life without them.

And they all wear Chuck Taylor All-Stars.

And when I'm hanging out with them, not all the time, but certain bars or events, where the ironic fashion sense is thick in the air and the good-looking people are everywhere, I look at my feet and think: "I'd kill for a pair of Chucks right now."

Part of this is my natural chameleon-like public persona: I'm always trying to blend in. It's an insecurity that comes from growing up a white kid in a black neighborhood. The more I blended in, the less isolated I felt. It's carried over into adulthood, for better or worse. It's a big reason this blog exists.

So if there's any shoe that I'm absolutely shoe jelly over, it's Chucks. People love them, wear them everywhere in any kind of situation, and feel odd wearing shoes that aren't Chucks.

So as I'm skimming the internet for shoes (because that's what I do in my spare time), I come across an Amazon commenter who *swore* that Converse makes wide width Chuck Taylor All-Stars on request. Yeah, it was a random comment, but I had to follow through on it. I mean, come on, right?

So I emailed Converse Customer Service. Their response: Nope. BUT, they said, their "entry level" shoe, called the One Star, sells at Target and has a wider gait than normal Chucks.

It's a cheaper shoe: it retails at about 35 bucks, and looks and feels the part. No reinforced eyelets, the white stitching pops a little too much, it's only available in black and gray, and it's clear they use the same length of shoelaces for the low tops as they do for the high tops. And there's a giant star on each side of the shoe that looks like it could easily fray over long-term wear.

I can see why people who wear Chucks regularly find it difficult to wear other shoes. They feel completely different on the foot. They're heavier than regular shoes, but all the weight is in the rubber sole, providing a solid amount of cushion (but no arch support, natch). The canvas hugs your foot differently; I can tell that this shoe will really morph to my foot over time.

There's a few issues, too. The shoes are probably a 2E width; I still had to go up a size and a half to 13 to squeeze my 4E feet into them. Even with that, my feet felt much better after I had switched back to CLE's. With how big the shoes are, you can't help but compare the things to clown shoes. I can see why my shorter hipster friends like these: they look far more natural on small feet.

And then there's that star. There's one on each side of the shoe, and my first impression of the decoration is that it's...girly. Not even just "of the female gender" girly, I mean "high schooler who talks a mile a minute" girly. Yes, that's a broad, awkward comment, but that word is there, lingering in the subconscious. If you're a girl with wide feet looking for a stylish sneaker, hot dog, you've hit jackpot.

And if you're a dude, well, you've got a choice to make. For this dude, I bought them, but unfortunately, I'm returning them. Nothing against the star, but the shoe is definitely a 2E, and despite upsizing, after walking around in them for a few days, I can't quite get my 4E feet comfortable in them. The shoe is still a solid option for the 2E masses (who have a surprisingly large selection of footwear to choose from, if they're willing to look) but again, the 4E feet get the shaft.

An Exercise in Futility: The New Balance MX709

In a previous post, I noted "The Great New Balance Divide" between dorky New Balance shoes and retro New Balance shoes. In short: dorky shoes - available in wide widths, retro shoes - not.

If there was any shoe that could break the mold of "The Great Divide," it's this shoe, the 709. Clean and modern, a stark contrast to the rest of the New Balance line, and available in 4E, too! In person, it looks slightly less clunky than what is seen in this picture; that "N" logo is a mighty good improvement over comparable misadventures. 

But, as will become a familiar theme in our wide width shoe search, there are issues. The leather upper, the cleanest New Balance has in it's line, doesn't fold properly in sync with your foot. So whenever you take a step, the leather jams into the area just above your toes.

By the end of a long day, your foot is bruised and you're praying for the pain to stop. And this wasn't a day of playing basketball or running or all of the other activities "cross-trainers" are supposed to be adept at providing, this was a day of walking. I can't imagine what the poor fellows attemping those activities in these are quietly suffering with.

And it's apparent that New Balance knows the issues with this shoe: the 709 is no longer available at the company website, and I recently spotted them on sale for 60% off at a New Balance Los Angeles store (sorry, no picture evidence).

Of course, I had bought my original pair on Corporate America's Favorite Dumping Ground: Amazon.com. So yeah, another day, another returned pair of shoes. The vicious cycle continues.

Get Shoe Jelly: My Adidas

Number of songs about Adidas: at least one.

Number of wide shoes made by Adidas: zero.

Maybe they'd fit if you took out the shoelaces?

The Great New Balance Divide

In theory, New Balance should be the company for us.

In theory, Communism's great and doesn't lead to famines or anything.

In reality, New Balance leaves much to be desired. They make delightfully styled retro shoes in keeping to their American roots. They also make shoes that fit. But they don't make both.

Yes, oh ye shoe company is beseeched by The Great New Balance Divide. There is Dorky New Balance, and there is Retro New Balance.

Retro New Balance shoes are resurrected (or at least re-marketed) New Balance classics, with wonderful suede in excellent colors perfectly arranged for excellent shoe design. These shoes are iconic, comfortable, wonderfully subtle--the kind of shoes you could go anywhere in.

Except on the Retro side of The Divide, we of the oddly-shaped feet are largely missing out.

Most of Retro New Balance's offerings only come in B or D widths. The 574 goes up to 2E width, which isn't spectacular (also, Asian-made 574s run a half size narrower than their American counterparts, but that's a discussion for another time).

Oh, you want shoes that fit? You'll have to cross the Armistice Line into Dorky New Balance.

Here, you'll find plenty of shoes that fit your feet. Oh, they're (by and large) outrageously comfortable. But they're also loud. You wear those out somewhere and it's like going to dinner with a girl who won't stop yapping about going vegan. They're annoying; they scream "I AM A RUNNING SHOE" to anyone in a five block radius.

Which is perfect for running alone on dark streets, or hiking in the woods, or sitting at your computer and playing World of Warcraft (you gotta know that's all those 623s are used for). But for everything else? For the real world? These shoes are useless.

They say in business: Every problem is an opportunity. The opportunity for New Balance here is palpable: they've already got the attention of the wide width shoe market. Why not make their best selling shoes (Retro New Balance) in wider widths and sell them like hotcakes to their already rapt audience? The "lifestyle shoe" segment makes up 80% of the athletic shoe market of normal footed people, there's no reason those numbers shouldn't translate to the wide width crowd.

But New Balance is like the '93 Bulls of wide width shoes: no one's touching them. Michael Jordan had to try baseball to get a fresh challenge. When there isn't that challenge, when there isn't that other company nipping at their heels, ready to swipe away customers at any lag in innovation, there's no motivation to make fresh products. New Balance has little incentive to make different styles in 4E, 6E, or, for that matter, 2A widths, because the people who have those shoe sizes are going to buy shoes from New Balance anyways. There's no place else for us to go.

That logic, however, is flawed. The argument that New Balance would only be stealing customers from itself is stuck in zero sum thinking. It doesn't take into account that maybe this niche market could buy more shoes. Remember, basketball shoes used to be a niche market, too, a small offshoot of tennis shoes. But then this happened. I'm not saying wide width shoes could ever sell anywhere close to Air Jordans, but there's certainly an opportunity out there.

So until Retro New Balance gets off their ass and realizes there's money to be made (or another company pounces on the opportunity), we're stuck with Dorky New Balance. Sigh.

An Exercise in Futility: The K-Swiss Classic Luxury Edition

K-Swiss sells two (count em: two) styles of shoe in Extra Wide: The Classic and the Classic Luxury Edition (CLE). They each come in two colors, white and black. So that's technically four. Sue me.

Back before anyone was born, K-Swiss used to make the Classic in California with leather imported from Argentina, D-Rings made in Germany, and rubber soles made by an Italian tire company. Sounds like a sweet shoe, right? That quality is history now, and the Classic is now just a shitty shoe made in China. K-Swiss still sells them, but only to stubborn old-timers who refuse to buy anything else. They are uncomfortable and unsupportive, offering little over walking barefoot.

The CLE is a moderate step up in quality and design. It cleans up the five stripe look and provides a little more padding around the heel. But the shoes still leave a lot to be desired. The rubber sole makes it feel like walking on a brick. The shoe never quite molds to your foot; the leather still rubs a blister on my toe from time to time. And even if you can handle a long day slumming and bumming, these shoes can't; expect sore feet by dinnertime.

Here's the thing, though: if your feet are wider than a 2E, this is your only sneaker option. You can't switch to Converse All-Stars or retro New Balance trainers. There's this and there's dorky running shoes. That's it.

Which means, despite all the shortcomings listed here (not to mention the fact that the five stripe design isn't nearly as iconic and classy as K-Swiss seems to think it is) the CLE's are a regular part of my shoe rotation.

Story Time: Earlier this month (March) my black CLE's were getting old (and painful to walk in), so I went to kswiss.com to order some more, only to find that they didn't have my size. In fact, they didn't have a lot of sizes. Fearing the worst, I emailed K-Swiss customer service to see if there was a temporary inventory shortage, or (gulp) K-Swiss was discontinuing the only pair of sneakers on the market that fit my feet.

Their response? I quote: "Thank you for contacting K-Swiss customer service. We are currently out of them. There are more Black Classic Luxury Edition size 12 XW coming on 7/11/2013."

That's right. July. Four months. What is this, Soviet Russia? This is America; I can get bacon rush delivered to my mouth, but I gotta wait four months for shoes?

Customer service went on to say that I could try Amazon or Zappos, but that brings up another issue. If you go to Amazon to buy a pair of K-Swiss Classics, you'll notice that you have a number of buying options. Scroll through the pictures of the five different shoes available. If you look closely, you can tell that some of the pictures are of Classics, and some are of CLE's. Do the people selling the shoes know the difference between the two? Who knows! It's shoe roulette!

This shit-poor customer service is another bad sign for a company that is quickly vanishing from the public eye. The Nike's and Adidas's of the world are always switching up their style to appeal to another generation of shoe buyers. K-Swiss feels like it's stuck in neutral. Which is good for us, sadly, because that means they'll keep making those Extra-Wide CLE's.

Or will they? K-Swiss is in the process of being bought. There's some nice and shiny quotes about the potential for the K-Swiss brand in that article, but that's what you're supposed to say when you buy a company. Whether K-Swiss is even around to make extra wide sneakers in a few years is anyone's guess. And if the CLE's are discontinued, our options for sneakers runs bone dry.

An Ode to the Sneaker

There are moments in life that make it worth living.

You read a statement like that, and certain events come to mind. Weddings. Bar Mitzvahs. Birthday Parties. Birth of children.

Except, really, those moments suck. Okay, maybe not the birth of a child, but those other ones? They’re planned. Rehearsed. You already know what’s going to happen before it happens and yeah it’s special but you knew it was going to be special and that takes the shine off it.

What I’m talking about transcends planning. The spontaneous road trip to god-knows-where. Running into that cute girl at the grocery store. A pickup basketball game with that one old guy who won’t stop taking three point hook shots, causing uproarious laughter every time he air balls.

This is probably something you don’t think about when you’re in those moments: the shoes you’re wearing. Most people don’t think about it because they know exactly what to wear: sneakers. Your go-to shoes. Comfortable, versatile, and speaking to your personality in some subtle way.

In theory, the choices people with wide feet have in footwear have never been better. Running shoes, Oxford shoes, hell, even sandals come in wide widths nowadays. But there’s a distinct gap in the sneaker category. The shoes that are up for anything apparently aren't up for odd-sized feet.

The shoes people love—the Converse All-Stars with the soles worn to nothing, the skater shoes with the hole in the pinky toe, to the Air Jordans that get cleaned with a toothbrush—these are the shoes that we have to live without. We’re like eunuchs, or the servants at Downton Abbey: that kind of love just isn't available to us.

This blog will focus on wide width shoes of all categories, and yes, that maddening company known as New Balance will get a lot of ink. But the real, major pitfall of having wide-width feet, of not being able to get that one pair of sneakers that are just right, that’ll be the main focus. I hope you'll come along for the ride.